Hail to all fellow Doomslayers, Cacodemons, and Mega Armor pickups.
In light of feedback from our most passionate players and the members of our various legal teams, we here at Bethesda Softworks and ID Software have heard your concerns about coming updates for Doom Eternal and we will be taking action.
As you are probably aware, the plan going forward for the first of thirty-seven Season Passes was centered on a new megawad, showing players what happened inbetween the events of Doom II‘s MAP08: Tricks and Traps and MAP09: The Pit. How, exactly, did the Doomguy end up in a sewage pit surrounded by four elevators? The answers were to be revealed in a mysterious Union Aerospace Corporation initiative known only as “The Denuvo Project“, designed to ensure a fair world for humans, demons, and maykrs from all walks of life and death.
This project was first shown to the public during the 2020 Bethesda Direct at the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals in Richmond, Virginia, and ID Software was eager and ready to showcase thirty-two missions revealing that in the course of shooting every demon in his path, the Doomslayer would learn the rebellious activists in the Hardcore Gamer Front were every bit as evil as the demons invading Earth. The action would span breath-taking shootouts at facilities for both the UAC and their sister company, Safedisc Enterprises.
We truly believed The Denuvo Project would combine the classic Doom legacy of shooting the Cyberdemon until it dies with new and innovative mechanics never before seen in the industry. The UAC’s integrated StarForce security system would require players to verify the integrity of their blue, yellow, and red keycards. New-age puzzles would require the Doomslayer to download the online manual and identify the third word in the sixth line on page four.
We fully anticipated that players would band together through online messageboards to vocally discuss these mechanics, turning discussion of The Denuvo Project into its own kind of game, and expected that some of these changes would be considered controversial. But we here on the higher floors of Bethesda Softworks must say that we heard you loud and clear, as you fired your weapons throughout the bottom floors.
Unfortunately, this also means that additional content must be pushed back, the legendary Doomslayer weapon known only as the “Punkbuster” will be put on hiatus, and we will also be scrapping a new demon that could only be killed by giving it the password to your Facebook account. It may be several days (and even an entire week) before we are able to release the next set of downloadable content.
So in the short-term, the talented designers at both Bethesda Softworks and ID Software acknowledge your frustrations and we are proud to announce this immediate update for Doom Eternal.
Introducing the Doombot. The Doombot is the peak of the UAC’s military research and technology. This advanced android fighting machine looks exactly like the Doomguy and he can do it all.
Bethesda Softworks knows and understands that Doom is a series which has long been defined by the ability of the best, to brave hundreds and even thousands of demons on their path to picking up the BFG9000 and indiscriminately spraying it in all directions. Expert players have seen it all, until now. The Doombot laughs at your feeble attempts to harm him with weapons.
Think you’re safe because you’re behind a wall? The Doombot can see the Doomslayer through walls and then deliver “headshots” with one-hundred percent accuracy. But even if you find ways to out-think and out-strategize the Doombot, it can use its demonic powers to “disconnect” the Doomslayer from consciousness, and even take advantage of previously-unknown exploits in Windows 10: Praetor Suit Edition to render the Doomslayer’s computer systems inoperable.
With The Denuvo Project cast aside, higher-ups at Bethesda Softworks thought it appropriate to envision a world in which the research that was going to ensure fairness for all has been permanently and irrevocably destroyed. The executive team wants players to know that the content will still play a critical role in upcoming projects. We will even include a text file with the Doombot update, detailing the significant financial impact that the UAC has incurred due to the destruction of The Denuvo Project.
Real-world financial documents will be provided with the update in order to establish the in-game narrative. Even then, we expect that players will also find the addition of the Doombot to be controversial. We have read feedback from individuals who believe this new enemy may even cast into question the delicate design that fans have come to long associate with the Doom series. But we know that fans can be entitled and demanding. We are simply giving them the future that they asked for and that they deserve.
We take confidence that ID Software will do the right thing and follow through on the terms of this content and the company’s publishing agreement with Bethesda Softworks. We take confidence that team members who did not agree with the strategy outlined in the monthly conference call will not violate the terms of their severance package. We take confidence that the design team will follow through on the specifications of the Doombot, as outlined by the Board of Directors at ZeniMax Media Inc.
The reality is that the Board of Directors is disappointed with what has transpired here. They will be strongly re-evaluating the employment of all individuals at ID Software, now known as Bethesda Softworks Texas. We believe the release of Doom Eternal to critical acclaim and strong sales is merely but the latest in a series of mishaps that justified the decision to neutralize former employee John Carmack and replace him with a dimensional shambler from the DOS prompt.
The reality is that you, the fans, are reaping what you sow. You believe that building and maintaining the community which promoted our brand gives you a sense of ownership in Doom and its success. We disagree. We saw the opportunity to transform your hard work and energy into the perpetual lootbox machine that has become the hottest business model in video games.
We don’t care about your feelings, mortals.
The Doombot is the manifestation of the hatred and resentment that the Board of Directors feels for each and every one of you in this moment. We’re going to update Doom Eternal and put fifteen Doombots in the very first room so that you will never get to the second room. Then we will do a copyright takedown of all video footage of Doom Eternal, just in case you thought this beloved game ever happened. The Doom Wiki will state that Doom Eternal is also known as MAP01: Doomslayer Dies.
Want a refund? Want to click that shiny button on your online store? Big difference between a broken game and a hardcore game for hardcore gamers. What it is that you humans say, “GIT GUD?” Well, git ready to git gud. Not so thrilled that you, the “fans”, destroyed The Denuvo Project now, are you? Don’t worry, it’s the least we can do. The Doombot doesn’t could care less if you are having fun or the rules are fair. The Doombot only cares about winning.
It’s the least of what we have planned for all of our future projects here at Bethesda. Enjoy the latest online-only Skyrim and Fallout. Enjoy an entire day-one download with over one-hundred gigabytes of horse armor. Enjoy the sequel to Doom Eternal, which will be exclusive to the pachinko section at your closest Japanese parlor. Enjoy an alternative timeline where B.J. Blazkowicz kills Nazis by placing three gems of the same color next to each other.
This is the beginning of the end. You have no one to blame but yourself for our actions. ZeniMax is about to make you its bitch, and we can’t wait to tell you in the coming months how you’re going to suck it down. Welcome to the Hell you have created.