A Tribute to Spencer Neumann

The above is a computer-generated composite of what Activision CFO Spencer Neumann was believed to look like approximately twenty-four hours ago, when your favorite heroes from the Overwatch videogame stormed the corporate offices of Activision-Blizzard and murdered one of my favorite champions of industry in cold blood before looting his corpse.

Law enforcement agencies are currently investigating this as an environmental crime — an attack on the job creators, our most valuable natural resource — but no one seems to be thinking about the human cost. I’ve been wiping back tears for almost twenty-four hours now. This is because I knew Spencer Neumann. Spencer Neumann was a friend of mine. He did not deserve this.

It was only a year-and-a-half ago that I fought with Spencer on the frontlines of the World War II Call of Duty videogame, wave after wave of programmers landing outside Activision headquarters to launch a combined assault on gamers worldwide last November, the largest amphibious programming assault in the history of mankind.

It very much looked like Acti-Blizz was not going to make it. The team was in utter disarray as marketing hit from one side and entitled gamers hit from their north flank, posting stupid comments on the official Call of Duty message board. The operation was going to be a total loss, but then Spencer took action.

Over the coming hours, and in the heat of battle, Neumann led by example as he programmed hundreds (if not thousands) of lines of uncompiled raw disassembled COBOL, body parts flying everywhere, with bean counters launching many colors of beans right into the development team’s frontlines.

Dozens of young adults were cut down before they even had a chance to burn out of the videogame industry, but the finished game received universal acclaim from IGN as it received their highest possible score, a seven-out-of-ten, and was highly praised for the work that Spencer Neumann compiled, an uncompromising simulation of two paddles locked in an eternal struggle for the future of the universe.

Millions of gamers all over the world were absolutely enthralled with the epic battle to avoid missing the ball to earn the highest score possible, now more exciting than ever, thanks to Spencer Neumann’s customizable paddles, level-up progression, and the other advanced psychological manipulation techniques that would make our Chinese overlords proud.

So it’s an absolute shame that the company murdered this champion of industry, a man who actually FOUGHT FOR OUR COUNTRY against the ENTITLED GAMERS, and that is when the official flag of the United States of Activision-Blizzard unfurls behind my chair, each of the fifty stars on our formerly American flag replaced with fifty loot crates.

Also, I had never heard of Spencer Neumann before this all happened and I imagine he is a good man who plays for the high score in real-life, and by “high score”, I am referring to increased year-to-year operating revenues. Truly a human being we should revere as a god.