But fear not, gentlemen! In this very skyscraper, very soon, Learn to Counter will have a physical footprint as impressive as its website, with tens of thousands of square feet distributed across multiple floors, all committed to banning you from our Discord channel for being a stupid asshole! It’s been over a decade since this privileged white male was loaned millions of dollars from his father to host a third-rate videogame blog, but now with the legal dispute over grandfather’s estate finally settled, well, I earned that money, and it’s time to put it to good use.
LTC Tower is ready to host the greatest videogame writing of the 21st century, putting websites like IGN and Hongfire to shame. And since the courts have told me that plagiarism is wrong, I’m actually going to come up with some original ideas. Can Cloud Strife beat Lightning Strafe in a fist-fight? What is the sexiest boob armor? Why did my mom throw me out of the house? Why am I going to marry Elizabeth from BioShock Infinite? There’s only one way to find out!
This revival project has been weeks in the making, after telling everyone for years that I was working very hard on it. But let’s be very clear here, if you have never hoarded the anime porn, well, I have a LOT of that stuff in storage, and it’s going to take a lot of men and trucks to get it into our new headquarters. The logistics of anime porn are incredibly complicated, and if you don’t own at least one-hundred tons of the stuff, your opinion is probably not worth hearing.
But nevermind that, I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t that just a picture of that Comcast building in Philadelphia?” Fear not, fellow member of Skyscrapers Official Message Board – Powered By Angelfire, LTC is ordered by the courts to tell the truth! We are NOT lying on the internet about our headquarters! And the truth is, I personally informed Comcast we are “a strong, independent woman who don’t take no sass”, and that “they don’t want none of this”. So right now, it’s only a matter of time before the Comcast — ahem, LTC Tower — becomes the number one game journalism skyscraper in the entire world.
I’d like to thank every single person who made this possible: Family members, Twitter followers, that other person who once wrote an article for LTC. But foremost to my lawyers, who successfully argued in a court of law that my masterpiece e-Book, Why Dota Sucks, does not violate the Eighth Amendment’s ban on cruel and unusual punishment. If it wasn’t for my lawyers, and how adorable they looked in open court, playing with the ball of yarn and eating out of the cat food bowl, who knows WHAT excuses I would find not to update this website?
But anyway, look for the full return of the new Learn to Counter sometime in January, and in the meantime, I will keep you posted on the status of LTC Moves™ and LTC Tower™! No, this is not an April Fool’s Joke, so get your best Twitter death threats ready! The top Twitter death threats will get a “Like” vote from Michael Lowell himself. May His presence grace us all.
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