Episode 1: Coming Out Swinging
Episode 2: Making Waves
Episode 3: On Thin Ice
Episode 4: Blind Sided
Episode 5: In the Crosshairs
Episode 6: Climbing the Walls
Episode 7: The Gauntlet
Episode 8: The Grand Finale
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Episode 5: In the Crosshairs
Let’s continue. Why? Because I’m the only person on the internet who watches the show. Somebody had to.
3:44 – Rachel: “We pull up to this nothing, it’s shacks, it’s abandoned houses, it’s drt, and tumbleweeds, and rattlesnakes.” This must be where they release content updates for Activision products.
3:56 – Hannah: “The game is Battlefield: Bad Company 2.” Really? On a personal computer? They threw me a bone. Not bad. This is actually curious. They wanted a first-person shooter. They did Halo last year. No Modern Warfare 2? There hasn’t been a single Activision-Blizzard-produced game on this show. There’s four franchises (Call of Duty, Guitar Hero, World of Warcraft, StarCraft) worth looking at. Think Blizzard’s history of egregious licensing fees has something to do with this?
4:04-4:12 – That footage is from the console version. Seriously, all us computer gamers want is respect. Not our problem we play electronic entertainment on a superior platform.
4:18-5:34 – That’s an interesting rule set you have there. Do they sell it in book form?
5:34 – Hannah: “The attacking team with the fastest time wins.” Better. That’s all you need to know.
5:40 – Caesar: “And I’m extremely excited because I play paintball.” This bears the question: Paintball is a family-friendly take on real guns. So wouldn’t a game based on paintball based on warfare be a real-life challenge of a real-life challenge? Or did I just blow your mind?
5:50 – Ninety-seven degrees and the contestants are wearing black camo. Either somebody didn’t think this out, or we’re primed for the first fatality in reality television history.
5:56 – This feels like a Disney teen-comedy where the lead character is putting her nerdy troupe on the front lines. Where Miley’s buddies are gonna whoop the varsity football team. And the pads are twice the size of the players. What a hilarious setup! Yaz could not be more out of place. It’s like they ripped Marcus Fenix out of Gears of War.
6:20 – “Enter Famous Gamer Cheat Code”. Shameful truth: I needed to look up the Konami Code. Seriously. Never owned Contra, never owned Gradius, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Arcade Game allowed the use of a different code. Or maybe I have a life? Yeah, I’m not buying that explanation, either.
7:02 –THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
7:11 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
True story: It took them a minute-and-a-half to explain the rules and nobody explained whether getting hit by a paintball means anything more than a welt.
8:23-8:34 – Yaz going nuts, people whining about shit. Yup. A real-life challenge befitting of a first-person shooter.
9:28 – Yes. Collapse under the heat of the baking sun. While decked in dark black camo. That’ll turn down the heat.
11:20 – Haha, oh wow. That’s a brand of fail that captures the essence of this show.
12:17 – No. Shouting A, B, C, D, all in order does not constitute “random letters”.
13:32 – Both teams fail at a form of memorization and color recognition. And these people call themselves gamers…anyway, if you’re confused as to what’s going on? Don’t worry. I am too.
14:27 – “You will all receive a copy of the not-yet-released Medal of Honor.”
14:28-14:32 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED…Medal of Honor ad placement?
15:34 – Moe Szyslak: “All right, you heard the man. One grenade each. Hey. Hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?”
15:53 – Rachel: “Kind of down about this team arrangement that once again, I’m with the two girl and the guy that doesn’t really seem to want to be with us.” Are you fucking kidding me? This is some Miami Heat shit going down. Your team is going to have the three best players on the floor.
16:34 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED…ALIENWARE AD PLACEMENT.
16:35 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
17:01 – Ryan: “I have a chance to go up into elimination because someone can’t type on a keyboard or memorize eight colors in a row. Now, we’re about to go to Isolation. And my team doesn’t PC. And we’re going up against Kat and Yaz.” Wikipedia has an article explaining the rout that’s about to go down. What, you were expecting the write-up on karma?
18:27 – New rule: I will no longer acknowledge “throw ur MATCH MAn DAWG I THOT U WAS MY FRIENDZ.” It’s sad. No other athletic competition would tolerate this.
19:37 – It’s rather sad that the actual in-game rules make far more sense than the real-life challenge designed to emulate them.
19:44 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED ALIENWARE AD PLACEMENT.
19:48 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
20:33 – Yaz: “I mean, I was in a lot of situations where three people were shooting at me at one time and I would kill all of them.” What narrative should I play? “This is what happens when you give a good player a quality control scheme in a first-person shooter”? Or “Players are made of glass in modern shooters! Just hit the guy”? Eh. The former sounds far more condescending. Seeing that console shooters are inferior and all.
See how much more entertaining an Isolation Chamber™ can be when you treat computer games as a social gathering? Like the Europeans, Asians, and everyone outside of the United States do?
22:48 – Caesar: “Our predominant platform that we play on is console.” Know how Dana White paid James Toney big money so a boxer could get his ass kicked in a mixed martial arts event? I have like five dollars in my wallet. Someone make “controllers versus keyboards” happen and it is yours.
25:34 – Ryan: “I love him…I want J-Wong.” Nope. Not taking this out of context. No, sir.
26:52 – No! Not Caesar! Now who will provide Jersey Shore cross-over? This may be the first time the selection was a surprise. Or maybe Justin Wong’s reputation is keeping him out of trouble. Seriously, pick up your slack, brother. Your showing in five Isolation Challenges™? Third, seventh, second, fifth, eighth. It’s no wonder they dropped the “Justin Wong is gonna choke bitches” subplot.
27:22-27:47 – And then Hannah joined up, and we formed the Six-Pack…and then one of the assistant producers, he wanted in the mix, and it became…Lucky Sevens…and then this homeless guy on the street, he wanted to join in the fun, and it became…the North Atlantic Treaty Organization…
28:01 – Stay out of this, Hannah! Grown-ups are talking!
29:06 – Joel: “But, as we all know…shooters are best played with teams…” No! You too! Quiet!
30:16 – Hannah: “Yaz just betrayed your trust, he’s thrown a competition already, and shown alliance means nothing. Do you think that was a wise pick?” Hannah would make one hell of a FOX News morning anchor. “Some say that Barack Obama has sex with animals. Why haven’t Democrats been able to prove elsewise?”
32:54 – Ryan: “Two girls are gonna make the gauntlet. It wasn’t supposed to be like that.” Fuckin’ women! Moving up the ladder! The hell is wrong with these people? It’s like they want to be equals or somethin’!
33:09-33:43 – I always wondered what “random internet message board troll knows he is going to get banned and doesn’t give a damn when it happens” would look like on cable television. You dead, Ryan. The plane home will be taking off directly from the Elimination Chamber™. And if the pilot’s aim is as good as yours, you will die along with everyone on-board.
35:11 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT.
35:12 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS DETECTED ALIENWARE AD PLACEMENT.
35:24 – Caesar: “Nervous? Double hellz no.” Author’s emphasiz added.
35:28 – THE SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT HAS EXPLODED. PLEASE DISPOSE OF SAMSUNG AD PLACEMENT DETECTION ROBOT UNDER PROTOCOL STATED IN NEW YORK HEALTH AND HAZARD MANUALS.
35:32 – Hannah, it is my understanding that a roll of duct tape does not constitute a proper form of clothing.
38:00 – Joel: “Battlefield: Bad Company 2 is the latest in the Battlefield series of squad-based first-person multiplayer shooters. It is an exceptional gaming experience.” You could say the same thing about Call of Duty, Killzone, and Halo. And they would all be as generic as what you said, Joel.
40:43 – Wow, Ryan. Calling on the crowd to chant your own name. Maybe this kid isn’t playing a narcissist.
41:52 – Joel: “Kat with twelve of the team’s fourteen kills.”
Conclusion: That’s cute, Ryan. You just pulled the equivalent of John Starks’ two-for-eighteen shooting performance in Game Seven of the 1994 NBA Finals. Fortunately, just like nobody knows what I’m talking about, nobody watches this show. Though I’m sure your friends and family will think highly of your conduct. Good luck on that.
Continue to Episode 6: Climbing the Walls