Diablo III continues its trek to becoming the modern-day version of Pac-Man for the Atari 2600, a game that sold millions but irreparably damaged the reputation of those involved in its development. Meanwhile, Blizzard Entertainment’s team of hard-working employees has been keeping people up to-date on the types of error messages that players may receive in the course of failing to enjoy their purchase.
Currently, Blizzard Entertainment company policy is to understate and downplay the issue. In this case, the current “Diablo III common errors and solutions” thread is wholly inadequate. But thanks to the power of Anonymous Sources™, I have been able to acquire internal documents that detail the “unknown error messages” associated with the game client. Hopefully, the reason you cannot connect to Battle.net 2.0™ will soon become clear.
—
Error 4 – Diablo III is not compatible with Windows 3.1. Please ensure that your video card is VGA-compatible and launch Diablo III in DOS. Those using low-end systems with less than four megabytes of RAM are advised to disable all graphics and sound before playing Diablo III.
Error 7 – The servers are down for emergency maintenance following the recent game update. Do not access the game client, and do not point your Mobile Battle.net Authenticator at family or friends and press the “Fire” button. We are working on a fix for this problem.
Error 13 – You have attempted to operate the Diablo III game code at a “high level of play”. This is not in the best interest of weaker players, who may have their feelings hurt. Please try to log in again. Further proficiency in manipulation of a mouse and keyboard may result in a ban.
Error 16 – Contrary to statements posted on the Battle.net Forums, the Sonic and Knuckles Sega Genesis game cartridge will not allow you to unlock Tails as a playable class. Please detach the cartridge from your motherboard and log in again.
Error 19 – The servers are currently being used by Blizzard Entertainment employees to host online matches in other, more interesting video games.
Error 30 – Diablo III has detected that you are missing critical system files required to run the game. We believe this issue may be associated with the monster named “C:\Windows\system32\drivers”. Do not kill this monster. If you have done so and are still in-game, please equip looted system files to all available equipment slots. We are searching for a solution to this problem.
Error 40 – Your account has been flagged and locked for suspicious account use. Check the start-up menu to see if your client or account has been compromised. If the “Login” button has been replaced with “EAT CHOCOLATE VIRUS AMERICAN FATTY”, please call Technical Support.
Error 55 – The Diablo III servers are currently on fire. Blizzard Entertainment employees are dealing with the problem and the servers will be back online shortly.
Error 55.B – The Diablo III servers are currently suffering from water damage. We cannot speculate on the cause of this. The servers will be offline indefinitely.
Error 61 – The Diablo III client has merged with the rogue malware program Bonzi Buddy. It will laugh and tell jokes in an attempt to befriend Diablo III account holders, and will then ask for the password to their Battle.net Account. Do not use ballistic firearms against Diablo Buddy. Casualties have been confirmed. The company is looking for a solution to this problem.
Error 70 – Your account has been closed for attempting to use Canadian currency in the Real Money Auction House.
Error 74 – Your account has been banned from accessing the Diablo III servers. Our chat algorithms have detected excessive negative behavior while engaged in the game world. If you are Bashiok, please go to Room 209 so that we may reset your account again.
Error 77 – The servers are currently shut down. The hand-written roll of paper containing the names, addresses, and credit card information of all Battle.net users has been misplaced. The roll of paper was not encrypted. We will keep in contact with the ransom holders and we will make sure our requests to return the roll of paper are spellchecked and proofread.
Error 81 – The servers are down for emergency maintenance. Please open the Anti-Radiation Kit packaged with your copy of Diablo III and consume the contents of Bottle B. If you purchased the digital edition, consult a poison control center immediately.
Error 91 – The Diablo III servers have been impounded for various traffic violations. There is no timetable for the return of Diablo III. We will provide further updates when the company has secured payment of the 77-dollar impound fee.
Error 99 – Your account has been flagged for unusual activity. It is possible that you have been experiencing low server latency and zero dropped packets. Please throttle your internet connection and attempt to log in again.
Error 106 – Your account has been flagged and suspended for unusual activity. While we commend your use of real-world resources, trained animals can outperform most of today’s gamers, and their success can damage the game economy. As such, we treat these animals as “automated programs”, and they are prohibited by the Terms of Use.
Error 111 – The servers are down for emergency maintenance. A replacement hamster will be secured in the next six to twelve hours, and power will return to the servers as soon as the wheel is running again.
Error 115 – You are attempting to access the game servers with a fraudulent copy of Diablo III. The detection and elimination of counterfeit software is a high priority of Blizzard Entertainment. If you suspect that you have purchased fraudulent software, please visit our support page. If your Diablo III CD-Key was obtained from inside of a fortune cookie, please call Technical Support.
Error 3007 – The servers are currently shut down. Blizzard Entertainment headquarters are on lockdown and red alert status after an employee updated the map pool for Warcraft III ladder play. We are working diligently to fix the problem and have neutralized all offending parties. Thank you for your patience in resolving this matter.
Error 3009 – Due to a coding error, all players who received passing grade on the intelligence test packaged with Diablo III are currently unable to access the Battle.net Forums. It was regrettable to discover that variants of this error have existed in some shape or form since 1997. We do not plan to fix the problem at this time.
Error 20082 – The servers are currently down as we prepare for the next phase of the beta test. Blizzard Entertainment categorically denies all rumors that the game was released on May 15, 2012. We appreciate your patience as we prepare for a successful retail launch.
Error 21823 – In an effort to provide equal server latency to all players, all game servers have been installed on Disappointment Island, an island south of New Zealand. This error message may be the result of high latency. Please try to log in again.
Error 3000000000000000000001 – The servers will be down for maintenance as the merger takes place. An estimated time of return will be posted on the Activision-Blizzard-Ubisoft-Waffle House home page.
Error K.77.2.215.214.1 – Your account has been closed. (Global chat filter detected variant of the phrase: “I have no plans to use the RMAH.”)
Error K.77.2.215.214.88.2 – Your account has been closed. (don’t fuck with me – signed, blizzard staff)
Error K.77.2.215.214.88.415.1.1 – Your account has been closed. (Impersonating a Blizzard Entertainment employee.)
Credit goes to teelo for prodding the creation of this entry. Oh, right. Anonymous Sources™. You saw nothing.
Discuss this entry on the forums.